It’s been quite a while since September 11, 2001.  You’d think people would have gotten used to the new air travel policies by now.  And, as I was, you'd be wrong.

It’s a Friday night and I’m headed for Atlanta to help my sis clean up (out) a room that will be the nursery for their first child.  It’s a 7-hour drive versus a 52-minute flight, so I splurged for a ticket.  I’ve flown several times since the new security procedures kicked in during the post-911 security frenzy, so I allow at least 2 hours between the time I arrive at the airport to the time my flight leaves.  Excessive?  Sometimes, but my best writing is done in airport waiting areas. 

On a Friday night, RDU turns into a great teeming mass of business and pleasure travelers scurrying to escape the Research Triangle into the Great Wide World.  Laden with their overstuffed 2-carry on bag maximum, they wade bovinely through the lines at the ticket counter, then wait in line to go upstairs to the security checkpoint, and then burst into the open field-like gate areas, freedom of cramped airplanes and stale pretzels awaiting eagerly. 

In the tightly packed bustle of an airport on Friday night, I stood in the security lines waiting to be X-rayed, scanned, hand-wanded and possibly groped, a well-dressed First-Class type business traveler walked up to an airport staffer who was busy herding people into the proper security line.  “My flight leaves in 25 minutes,” he told her, looking dismayed at the long snake line of travelers waiting to go through the checkpoint.  “Is there any way I could jump ahead?”  The staffer, with a mixture of politeness and boredom replied, “I’m just directing people here sir.  You’d have to talk to someone else about that.”  He looked around helplessly for another official-looking person to no avail.  He’d have to stand in line with the rest of the cows. 

People who fly frequently should have a clue that Friday night flights are a nightmare.  At what point did we forget that getting through security is time-consuming even when you don’t get searched?  One would think that people who fly frequently with work or pleasure would know the Rules of Flying.  Allow me to refresh your memory: 

1)  You will not find a parking place on the first try.  The spot you do park in will be very far away from the terminal, possibly at a completely different airport.  Allow time for this.

2)  If you are checking bags, you will have to stand in line a very long time.  Allow time for this too.

3)  If you use curbside check in, tip the porter well.  Otherwise your bags will end up in Guam, while you are in Houston.

4)  Just because an airport is small doesn’t mean things will move any faster.  Large airports are better designed for herding lots of people as quickly as possible.  Small airports aren’t. 

5)  You are allowed one carry-on bag and ONE laptop or purse.  This equals 2 small bags.  That’s it.  No, really.  I don’t care if you’ve seen people with 3 or 4 carry-ons (I personally have never seen this, even before 9/11).   I’m sick of having to wait longer in lines because you refuse to believe that you can only take 2 bags on the plane, so you have to give more thought that a neurosurgeon as to which two bags to carry on the plane.  And people who unpack their bags at the check-in counter and repack so they can carry all the valuable stuff in their carry-ons?  I will kill you.  I will use the convenient, free elastic-string luggage tags Delta provides as a garrote and strangle you in the check-in line.

6)  See rule 5.

7)  Carry on bags should only contain items that you can’t live without in case you forgot to tip the porter.  For me, this means my laptop, contact case and backup eyeglasses, hairbrush, deodorant and a clean shirt. (Never underestimate the power of a clean shirt.)  These are the things that are either too expensive to replace or would keep me feeling human while the airline politely tries to find out in which part of Asia my bags have landed.

8)  Be nice to the airport personnel, especially the security personnel.  Their jobs are thankless, long, and the nicest looks they get are contemptuous at best.  Saying thank you after a hand-wand scan never hurt anybody and if it’s an airport you frequently use, you may run into these people again.

9)  Sometimes things happen.  Your flight may get cancelled for the perfectly valid reason that the plane’s engines are on fire and if you were to board the plane your life would end in a large, showy fireball.  You can stomp your terrible feet and gnash your terrible teeth and roar your terrible roar at the poor defenseless airport personnel.  Just be glad you’re alive to bitch about it.

10) If at any time these rules are too troublesome to follow, please consider driving or taking a bus or train to your destination.  Those of us with no choice but to fly will thank you for it.